When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
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remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
absolute chaos
Applebeeās boss: Youāre fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, itās because you keep saying āEatinā good in the neighborhoodā¦ if you know what I meanā
M: š
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Iām not saying I donāt miss my kids while Iām at work but itās nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours Iām there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. š
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and Iām about to see them all
When you āpspspspā too hard
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now letās discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Her: Ugh. Donāt look at me. Iāve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Writing, She Murdered.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.