ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
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Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
The smoothest fall of all time
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…