no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
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[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I’ll be mad as hell!
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Perfect.