They’re on their honeymoon
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On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Ferrari squats
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
What a year we’ve had this week.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Writing, She Murdered.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds