[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Why are bridges so flammable.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.