When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
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DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.