“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
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My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken