Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
You Might Also Like
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
channeling her this year
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
@ candidates for local office
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Yep.
i actually laughed 😩
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.