Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
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ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
o shit
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
nobody:
90’s boybands:
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