You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
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*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
A French press is when you hug naked
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
next question.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow