How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
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This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
If you want my opinion ask my wife
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it