Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
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Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I’m sure it’s fine.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.