I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
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Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Finally a use for spoilers…
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.