At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
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Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”