[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
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What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash