A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
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(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Thursday
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.