8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
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Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this