6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
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I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Maths meets science
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.