Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
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Customize Your Wedding.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here