[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
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More like Kate Missington.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
repaired
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.