I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
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The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”