No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
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In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.