7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
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Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”