My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
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SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded