My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
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Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Bike is short for Bichael.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?