At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
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5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Me, in DM rooms…
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots