me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
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Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy