They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
honestly, i need both:
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
<—- homeless romantic
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.