Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
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Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
What my back needs
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.