Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
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Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
My spirit animal is fried chicken
The three genders.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.