I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
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I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
December birthdays be like…
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.