“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
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Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Money is the root of all wealth
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?