DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
You Might Also Like
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Ferrari squats
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*