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YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.