My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
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Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.