[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
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[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.