“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
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I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.