Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
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Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?