A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
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Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I’ve had relationships like this
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Plant care tips
omg leave her alone
vegan witches, happy halloween!
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well