I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
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some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
And bowling should be called pinball
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight