Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
You Might Also Like
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Omg 🤣
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*