my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
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Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Lucky old June.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.