Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
You Might Also Like
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair