My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
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I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?