When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
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when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Me irl
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
🙁
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)