Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
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The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
No chill.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!