*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
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Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
need him
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?