The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
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hackers play passwordle
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Not helping
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Ain’t no way
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped