Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
You Might Also Like
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
#DesignFail
@ candidates for local office
Don’t touch that.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.