When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
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You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I have obtained a hat
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Lol #dogsoftwitter